EMPTY AND JOYOUS

It's 2am. Just 2 hours into the new year. I lie in bed, sleepless, which is due in part to the excitement from the awesome cross-over night service at Church. But more importantly, it's because I am happy. I feel alive and whole : a surge of new energy bursting through my being. I feel like I was just resurrected from the dead and given a second chance to live.

All despite AND because of the empty feeling in me.

My memory suddenly takes me back to a certain morning two months ago when I went to visit my heart throb, Kenneth. We had been together for six months. Six beautiful months. Kenneth was my dream guy. Tall, dark and handsome. And extremely charming. He knew just what TO say to me to put me at ease everytime.

I was going to give my Beau a splendid surprise visit that morning of his birthday. As I moved towards his apartment, I imagined the surprise on his handsome face as I had earlier told him I was out of town on business and could not spend the day with him.
His door was slightly ajar so I walked in. I froze and my bag dropped to the floor. There was Kenneth and a lady kissing each other with reckless abandon on the rugged floor. They didn't even notice my presence until I bent down and picked my bag and was stepping outside when I heard Kenneth call me. I guess the door's noise alerted him somehow.

'Tare, wait. It's not what you think!
I just kept running out of the compound, tears blinding me. I can't even remember how I got home. He called me later, crying, and explaining to me that the lady was his ex and she merely stopped by for a casual visit as a friend when somehow things went out of control.

'It will never happen again. It was all a mistake'.

I forgave him. I just knew my darling couldn't do such a thing. I wasn't about to allow an accident ruin a beautiful 6 months old relationship just like that.

The next month, November, was his best friend's birthday and we were going to this party he had thrown.
We arrived and he went to get some drinks for us, so I sat down waiting for him and chatting with some of his friends who came along. An hour later Kenneth hadn't shown up. But then I felt he must be greeting some friends and would be right back.

I felt the urge to use the toilet so I left our table and hurried to the toilet and entered the section for females. As I was about to step into one of the toilets in the section, I heard a noise just close to the toilet I chose. The door of the next toilet opened and a lady with disheveled hair and rumpled clothes came out, closely followed to my greatest shock, by Kenneth, with his trousers open. As he struggled with his trousers, I screamed, and he looked up. I didn't need an explanation. He didn't mistakenly wander into that toilet. The guilt in his eyes was enough proof. This time, he did not call me as I ran away from the toilet, away from the party.

I heard nothing from him until last month, December 10th. I had arrived from the office one evening when I found him waiting outside my house. His car parked in front of my compound. He went on his knees the moment he saw me.

'I am sorry sweetheart. I will never hurt you like that again. I am a changed man'. I could feel nothing but disgust for him.

'Kenneth, you can't just waltz in and out of my life anyhow you like. I was foolish once. I don't intend to repeat such folly. Please stay out of my life. I want to forget forever that I ever met a guy called Kenneth. Leave right now!'

He put his hands into his pocket and brought out a ring. A beautiful diamond ring.

'Please let me in again. This time around, I am not just here to be your lover. I want you to be my wife'. He looked like he was giving me a cheque of a billion Naira. The arrogant, son of a bitch!

'You think you can just walk into my life because you are dangling a ring in my face? You think I am desperate enough to sign up for a life of misery with you? You are wrong'.

The contrite look on his face suddenly transformed into a snarl. He looked nothing like the Kenneth I knew, or thought I knew. He got up.
'Didn't know you were such a fool. Many girls better than you would jump up at my offer'. As he walked to his car, I laughed loudly and called at him,

'I would be a fool to accept such an offer, Ken. Good riddance! I don't envy those better gals of yours at all'. He looked like he was going to say something but thought better of it, walked into his car and drove off.

My best friend, Sheila, thought I was stupid. How could I refuse his apology with that ring? I congratulated myself then, and even now, lying on my bed. I know my worth. Call me stupid and naive, but I know what I want. I am 'stupid' enough to want what I want and wait for it: someone who will cherish me and be committed to me like I will cherish him, and stay committed to him. A godly man. A friend and a big brother. A prayer partner, not a prayer point. I will enjoy my life while I wait for this man and groom myself to be a good wife to him. I will not settle for less. If he never comes my way, maybe God doesn't want me to marry then. I will just keep enjoying life.

I feel so happy for this emptiness. Nay, I am light. Free from an unnecessary burden. Free to hope again. Free to choose. And I choose life. I choose love, real love. I choose happiness. I will keep choosing them, even if my choice would mean doing away with that tall guy, that handsome brother, that rich guy who buys me the world, again and again.