THE PASTOR'S WIFE
So I am now a married woman. Wait a minute, not only am I a married woman, I am now a PASTOR'S wife. Wife to Pastor Matthew Adeshola. And therefore to alot of people, it means I am now a pastor of some sorts, even though 'Pastor's wife' is not part of the five-fold ministry as listed in Ephesians 5.
As I am introduced again to my husband's church the Sunday after our wedding by one of the pastors thus 'and let's welcome our beautiful and adorable Senior pastor's wife, our mommy, etc etc' and I step up to the pulpit with my husband's hands in mine, amidst a standing ovation and thunderous applause and smiles, I put on a brave smile and wave my free hand. My legs are shaking. I am grateful that my husband is holding my hand at that point. And my heart is beating furiously beneath my chest, as if it wants to come out of my chest and fall to the ground. For a morbid second, I imagine what would happen to all these smiling faces welcoming me if suddenly their mommy's heart comes out of her chest, staining her lovely white dress and falls to the ground.
As I look at the faces smiling their welcome, and shouting, 'we love you ma', I am suddenly filled with dread. What happens when in the course of time, this beloved 'mommy' of theirs shows how human she is, how like any of them she is? What happens when she snaps in anger at one of the church members in a stressful moment? What happens when members of the women fellowship realize I am not always smiling? Will they still love me?
What happens if after delivering a talk about the role of a woman in building good marriages to the women, and then some discover somehow that sometimes I have arguments with my husband, or if my marriage hits rocky ground, will they still love me?
What if they discover, as they soon will, that I am not perfect, that I am a flawed child of God like any of them? Someone whose children or child may refuse the godly training I am trying to impart into them, will I be judged harshly, or be shown mercy?
When they say they love me, what exactly do they mean? Who exactly do they love? Is it their image of the perfect woman, the 'mother-in-israel', the strong woman, the one the women can always lean on, the one with impossibly strong shoulders that won't break no matter the pressure on it? Or do they mean, all of me? Do they see beyond 'pastor's wife' the everyday woman, with strengths and weaknesses? I hope they do. Already I feel the crushing load of expectations emanating from these body of believers.
When I want to confide in someone, who do I confide in? Who?
My heart cries out to you all. I hope you can hear it. I am more than your Pastor's wife. I am not just Mrs. Adeshola. I am Sade. I am a woman. Human like any of you. I am not always in perfect shape. I don't always get it right. I need you all to understand and extend grace to me when I need it. Because trust me, I will always need it. Always.
As I am introduced again to my husband's church the Sunday after our wedding by one of the pastors thus 'and let's welcome our beautiful and adorable Senior pastor's wife, our mommy, etc etc' and I step up to the pulpit with my husband's hands in mine, amidst a standing ovation and thunderous applause and smiles, I put on a brave smile and wave my free hand. My legs are shaking. I am grateful that my husband is holding my hand at that point. And my heart is beating furiously beneath my chest, as if it wants to come out of my chest and fall to the ground. For a morbid second, I imagine what would happen to all these smiling faces welcoming me if suddenly their mommy's heart comes out of her chest, staining her lovely white dress and falls to the ground.
As I look at the faces smiling their welcome, and shouting, 'we love you ma', I am suddenly filled with dread. What happens when in the course of time, this beloved 'mommy' of theirs shows how human she is, how like any of them she is? What happens when she snaps in anger at one of the church members in a stressful moment? What happens when members of the women fellowship realize I am not always smiling? Will they still love me?
What happens if after delivering a talk about the role of a woman in building good marriages to the women, and then some discover somehow that sometimes I have arguments with my husband, or if my marriage hits rocky ground, will they still love me?
What if they discover, as they soon will, that I am not perfect, that I am a flawed child of God like any of them? Someone whose children or child may refuse the godly training I am trying to impart into them, will I be judged harshly, or be shown mercy?
When they say they love me, what exactly do they mean? Who exactly do they love? Is it their image of the perfect woman, the 'mother-in-israel', the strong woman, the one the women can always lean on, the one with impossibly strong shoulders that won't break no matter the pressure on it? Or do they mean, all of me? Do they see beyond 'pastor's wife' the everyday woman, with strengths and weaknesses? I hope they do. Already I feel the crushing load of expectations emanating from these body of believers.
When I want to confide in someone, who do I confide in? Who?
My heart cries out to you all. I hope you can hear it. I am more than your Pastor's wife. I am not just Mrs. Adeshola. I am Sade. I am a woman. Human like any of you. I am not always in perfect shape. I don't always get it right. I need you all to understand and extend grace to me when I need it. Because trust me, I will always need it. Always.
I almost thought you got married behind our backs. Yeah I feel shades burden, I get them too each time I move out of my comfort zone.
ReplyDeleteGood job lady..
Hehehe! Na una go first know when tht time don reach na. Thanks so much for reading!
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