THE GIFT OF NOW

I am lying down in my room. On my deathbed. Yes, I am waiting for the day I will be escorted out of this world to be with Christ. That day is getting nearer and nearer. I know it. It's been a long road to this point. A long and sometimes painful road. Battling with breastcancer hasn't been easy. At a point, it appeared I had won. But much later, cancer showed up again in the second breast (left breast) to remind me that it wasn't an easy enemy to just shake off like that. And then quickly spread to other parts of my body.

Now I am nearing my end. It's obvious to anyone who can see me now. My doctor has informed me that I have less than two months to live.

Of late, I have been having so many visitors. Almost everyday. My Pastor left not too long ago with his wife after chatting with me for a while: sometimes cracking jokes, then talking about my active days, how members of my unit (Ushering) miss my smile and hectoring ways. And then ultimately, they prayed for me and left.

As they left the room, it struck me that in their discussions with me, words like 'was', 'had', 'used to', were sprinkled all over their sentences. It occurs to me that even as my loving Pastor prayed passionately for my healing with a faith which right now appears rather obligatory (he is the Pastor. He can't be caught not having faith at all), it is obvious to him that I am dying. And so they speak to me as though I were already gone, as though preparing themselves to get used to my absence, as though mourning my passing before I am physically laid to rest.

My Pastors wife's winsome smile makes me think of my 18 year old daughter, Enifome, who is currently cooking in the kitchen. Everytime she comes in to see me, I feel joy. I cherish more than ever our laughter, the stories we tell each other(I of my days as a young girl her age, she, of her experiences in school as a second year student in University. I cherish every moment with her as if it has never happened before. And I also feel a sharp pang. I am missing her already. I often have to remind myself over and over again that we will meet again, and in much more joyful circumstances.

I think of someone else who elicits this sharp pang whenever we are together these days. Kenneth, my husband of 19 years, and boyfriend of 21 years. It's been such a pleasure sharing life with this wonderful man. My gift from God. If I had it all to do again, you would still be my husband. His tireless love and dedication to me in the face of this illness has been....... I am short of words.
I am glad we will meet again, fellow believer in Jesus Christ.

I have had visits from my church members, fellow unit members, neighbors including those I was friendly with, those with which I merely exchanged greetings of 'good morning' and 'good evening', and even those neighbors with whom I had at some point, shouting matches.

As they smile with me, chat with me and pray with me, I look at their faces and wonder inwardly what is really going on in their hearts. I imagine that some are wondering why Sarah should be wasting away at such a young age of 43. Wondering what exactly was Sarah's sin? I know that alot of them are feeling sad that I didn't enjoy life because I will be leaving so soon. They are sad for me that life has cheated me. I know, because I have felt that way upon hearing of the death of a young person. A few of them have even expressed their thoughts.

And I smiled. I am still smiling.

Yes, I wish I were here a bit longer. But still, I have not lost at all. Life hasn't cheated me like they think.

People have talked about their life flashing before their eyes when faced with death. I have had the opportunity of seeing my life, watching it like I would watch T. V.

Having done that, I can say this boldly:

Life has been good. Rather, the giver of life has been good to me. I have known love. Real love. The love of good parents. The love of a wonderful man. I have known what it is to be fought for, and to fight for. I have smiled, laughed, cried tears of joy and sadness. I have known the joy of achieving set goals. I have tasted good food. I have danced and jumped about. I have tasted sweet, memorable moments with my husband and daughter, moments that will stay with me for eternity. Such awesome gifts from my Maker.

Even now, in my sick bed, I am still enjoying. Every moment. I can still enjoy the presence of my husband and daughter. Their laughter. Their Unfailing support. I enjoy the gift of amazing memories.

And yes, I am grateful to Jesus for the prospect of experiencing life with him in the new heaven and new earth, a perfect world. With all of the joys of this present imperfect world and none of the sadness.

So I smile and shake my head inwardly at the look on my visitor's faces.

Dear all, don't be sad for me. You see how much I have been gifted with. Joys past and joys to come.

But that's not all. In between the joys past and joys to come, I have been given an amazing gift I enjoy even at this moment. A gift that alot of you don't know you have, in the face of your fear of dying before 120 years of age. A gift I have enjoyed to the fullest and am still enjoying.

It's the Gift of Now.